Have you ever fallen from God, walked away from his love, or put something before God. Once you realized the pain of being separated from God did you want to go back but didn't know how? Well this is my journey from utter despair back to God. Well I have been there. I plan blogging my journey from despair, to grace and further. This is not a one size fits all, this is what I am learning as I build up my relationship with God....
I never realized how far I had drifted until I was talking to my pastor. It was during that conversation that I couldn't even say that I was a christian. The anger had been lit, both in him because of my apathy and lack of listening skills to even hear what he was saying, and in me. Why was I angry
How could this be? I was a leader in the church. People look up to me. Had I really lost everything? Had I really started to believe the lie that I was invincible, causing me to neglect my own spiritual health. Had I played a game comparing myself to those who had done worse and figured I was okay if they were?
I was the girl who loved listening to worship music, but lately I didn't even want to listen to anything Christian, be it music, preaching, or even just an encouraging word about what God was doing for someone else. I wasn't even happy for my friends whose lives were falling together so nicely.
It was after the anger wore off that I started to think about that evening. It was that evening that I woke up. I didn't want this life anymore. I wanted to feel God around me again. I wanted to remember his grace, but where would I start? It would take another 5 days before anything would happen. It all started with forgiveness. I asked, no I begged God to forgive me of my sins. Many of which would surprise anyone who knew me. One that not only put me in a spiritual prison but that kept me chained up with hatred. Forgiveness from God is free, we only have to ask and except it. That was an amazing day. All I could think of was how much God loves me. Much like Hosea loved Gomer, and bought her back with a price. I too was bought with a price.
That is where my journey began. Remembering grace is free and allowing God to surround me in his love. In the song "How he Loves" sang by the David Crowder Band. The lyrics are so very true, when you allow God's grace to cover you and his love to surround you all of your guilt and shame disappear and who you were doesn't matter any more. Who God is and how much he loves you (me) are all that mattered.